A humorous look at filing tax.
So, I played hooky from work today. No, I did not stay home to sleep late or go shopping or even to have a mid-day rendezvous with my husband. I stayed home to do our taxes. After the tax bill I paid last year, I felt I would need a full day of uninterrupted fun and at least one bottle of wine to make it through tax season this year. I realize it is not the last minute yet and by all rights I should be at work dealing with other people's money and yes, a little piece of me (the little bit of me I have left after Uncle Sam took his pound of flesh) does feel guilty for not waiting to share this pleasure with everyone, but I did it anyway. Now, I know everyone is jealous after all tax season only comes once a year and should be cherished right along with Christmas and Thanksgiving and your birthday. I mean think about it. It is in the spirit of giving we pay taxes, is it not? And why not share the fun? Why should I be allowed to celebrate my patriotism by writing a large check to the IRS? I am undeserving. I have been completely humbled by the experience and will need the entire 384 days between now and the 2001 tax due date to become WORTHY once more. I would like to thank TurboTax for making all of this possible for me in less than a full day. I have used TurboTax for several years now and find the click and pay method of tax filing by far the least time consuming but I would like to petition for a few changes to be made. There is a little indicator to the right of the screen that gives me an addition by addition by deduction by credit update as to what my current tax liability is. I am sure that sounded like a good idea at the time as did giving Jerry Springer his own show but in hindsight, we would all be better off without either one. There is absolutely no comfort in seeing “Amount Due $X,XXX” after putting in our wages for the year. Nevermind the number goes down with each deduction and credit. Nevermind it may actual say “Amount Refunded” for a while before going back to that nasty amount due status. The whole process is torture. Barring the continuous tax update being removed from the package, how about asking the questions in reverse. Start the taxpayer off with the deductions and credits and give the good news about all the money saved over the year with charitable contributions and IRAs. Tell me what a good job I have done by remembering to get my childcare providers tax id number. Give me a credit for knowing my husband's social security number and for the five pets in my home. Then and only then ask for taxable wages and once that is input, treat me as a lotto winner with fireworks and party music if I have a refund due and if not, a nice pop up box that tells me to click yes or no if I really want to know the bottom line. If the amount due is higher than one paycheck, ask me again if I really, really want to know. My next request is more like an excellent marketing ploy than it is a complaint. I suggest including a six-pack of tranquilizers in the box with the software. If I am going to pay $60 for the privilege of importing my prior year information and thereby cutting down the input and chance of lost records this year, I would like to see the box filled with something more than a cardboard insert and product flyers. Do something for me. Provide me with a non-addictive “happy pill” to help me get through the process without killing my husband for throwing a pile of receipts on my desk and letting me decide which are business expenses and which are for our dinner at Red Lobster last weekend. Make this time of year something to look forward to as I begin to hallucinate about being as rich as the government tends to treat me (If you want a real shocker sometime, take a second and figure out how much of that second income is left after the full tax impact.) Now, I think I will go lay down quietly for a while and count dollar bills flowing from my wallet and into a big IRS piggy bank. Does anyone know if I can take the cost of dogs' rawhide chews as a medical deduction since Ozzie and Aeon would have driven me crazy by now without them?
About the Author
Betsy Gallup is a full-time mother to an 11-year-old son, and infant twins. She has had several articles, essays, and short stories published. She is now writing a non-fiction book under contract for publication, and she has recently procured an agent to represent her first novel, Destiny, a suspense/romance delving into the world of a renown psychic. With what time she has left, she operates www.whimsplace.com, a showcase for the work of talented writers.